Racing for Girls

Lumps on head: 3: purple splodges on knees: 5; cuts on knees: 1; broken toes: 1 (maybe);  muscles aching: all I have, plus more that I didn't know that I had; missing tarty toe rings: 1; minutes spent with children: 0; passes from anybody, even girls: 0.

"Please would you give me a boat for girls," I say coyly, my pretty sarong fluttering gaily in the gale, my bejewelled flip-flops sparkling.

If I can't win through good sailing, I can win using tactics.   The eight most macho men of the resort, kitted out in black body armour, knuckle dusters and knee pads, and I, are choosing our Lasers (very fast and tippy sailing dinghies) for the Big Race.

At last we are sailing, and it's the most cut-throat event of the week - The Regatta.

Sure enough, I manage to take possession of the smallest Laser with the titchiest sail, while the blokey blokes opt for bigger, faster, more knarly (challenging) versions.

So I have already won the Laser 247 Class without setting foot in a boat.

The red flag goes up indicating conditions are too dangerous for amateurs in single hulled dinghies.

Off 25 amateurs in single hulled dinghies charge, all attempting to start at the same time between two rather close-together buoys, and no brakes between us. "Starboard!!" I scream, and the nicest, most dashing young Dad of the resort smashes into me hard.  "I thought you were meant to be good at sailing!" I hurl at him, struggling hard not to fall overboard.  It's dinghy dodgems!

Two crashes and quite a lot of swimming later; I finally stagger in to shore - triumphant and exhausted.  Sailing is so nice when it stops.  For the past hour I appear to have been using my head to physically move the boom backwards and forwards, smashing my knees on the bottom of the boat, and all the ropes or sheets or whatever they're called are tangled up, trailing out over the stern (back).

I came 8th out of 25 in the end, being the only Lady-in-a-Laser and beaten only by Look-Alike-Wife among the few female participants.

Thank God that's sailing out of the way for at least another year.