Poached vs Fried

'Dartmoor Killings' is the working title of the film. My friend Peter, who already has a BAFTA to his name, has won the use of a camera worth a million quid, to film a promo in my house, which will be used to help source finance for the whole feature. The trouble is that the camera is so complicated that it takes three people to use it. I hope nobody drops it.

The crew's two nights' sojourn is my opportunity - a trial run - to practise my potentially non-existent B&B skills.

My ultimate aim is to charge the maximum possible rate for a Dartmoor B&B (about £100 a room per night) which means I have to really try to do it properly. I have spent days and nights on the internet tracking down diddy kettles, diddy thermoses for cold milk, diddy cafetieres. Then there's the individual tea bags (Earl Grey, Camomile etc) and filter coffees; the titchy toiletries and even the baskets to put them all in.

But the Christmas rush has meant that the only thing to arrive in time is the kettles. Which turn out to be fitted with continental plugs, and have to be relocated to my 'present drawer'.

The crew arrives two hours later than anticipated, and, having requested drinks at 8.30pm followed by dinner at 9.00pm, instead film solidly til 11pm. My wild mushroom 'Cook!' lasagne miraculously survives the wait and Significant Other and I fall into bed at 1.30am. Up again at 6.30am to prepare Organic Breakfast. God - what order do you cook everything in? Croissants, muesli, Golden Nuggets, Artisan bread.. how many sausages. Bacon in the oven, or fried? Eeek! Two people request poached eggs, and two want fried. My poached eggs always look like embryo's covered in goo.

Help! Two massive great frying pans (one rusty); a baking tray in the oven with sausages, bacon, tomatoes and mushrooms in it. Baked beans in the microwave. Toast. Plates heating in the lower oven. Nowhere to hide - we are all in the kitchen together - my mistakes on full display. How much of each for whom? I mustn't let them know that I am a walking zombie and I have never done anything like this before.

Somehow not an egg is broken, and my poached ones look yellow and white and fairly symetrical, and not full of mucus. But how do you serve them? Genius! I grab a couple of pieces of thinly sliced brown toast and pop them on that. Then the whole lot goes onto a large platter so they can help themselves and I am relieved at least of the question - how much to serve?

Phew! It's done! It's been fun! I am a pale ghost of my former self after 48 hours of this. Peter's first 'Dartmoor Killing'. But I have done it. And I can do it again.

Bring It On!