Homeless

In two weeks time I'm going to be homeless.

I've rented my house out for a week over Easter.

Kathy, Sashka and I have 'working' coffee and fags twice a week now, sometimes we even sit in the kitchen because it is so much more comfortable sitting down inside, and nobody's going to know.

We are all armed with lists, and because of this powerhouse of a team, I'm not panicking.  Quite.

Sashka's got an additional new job overseeing the rental on another Dartmoor house, and the stories she comes back with make me quake in my wellies.  She says it takes twenty minutes to make each bed because they have six pillows, and cushions as well! What are you supposed to do with all those cushions when you're trying to sleep? I can't think of anything more constructive than throwing them on the floor. Susannah, who rents out her luxury home in Helford, has only one set of cushions, which she uses for photoshoots, moving them around for each bedroom-shot.

Sashka says the converted barn she now works in has a sunny seating area with views to the sea twenty miles away, one wall being made entirely of glass, and apparently this one room is longer than my kitchen and dining room put together!  She says the kitchen is twice the size of mine, all gleaming stainless steel and granite.  She couldnt find the plug sockets in it because they are horizontal, built into the work surface.

Huh!  Who would want to come to an immaculate shiny showhouse in the middle of Dartmoor eh? Dartmoor is for MUD.

I have tried to think of a reason why someone would rather come to my place rather than to this nouveau barn - and I've come up with one.

At my place you can shout your head off and no one will hear you except the sheep.  Now that's quite good isn't it? We've fixed up a karaoke with a couple of mikes coming through Esteemed Partner's PA system, and you sing to karaoke versions of songs you look up on the huge telly screen which you can get via YouTube, resulting in surround-sound underwritten by my special woofer I got second hand off eBay for £400. Leave the French doors open and you can blast the socks off those belted galloways placidly roaming the moor.  One beautiful gentle balmy sunny evening last summer, Revered Son used our system to serenade a pack of girl-guides camping 1/2 mile away down by the river.

My list of what to do before I say goodbye to my home appears endless, inexhaustable.  Esteemed Partner is being amazing and has arranged for Kind Neighbour to put some of the gravel from the council pile outside my gate onto the drive.  Patrick is clearing the garden of sticks and leaves. I have arranged for a professional contractor to clean and service the hot tub regularly, called the plumber re the water neutraliser, found a bloke to tidy up the carpets, booked the window cleaner, and my next jobs are to arrange insurance and smoke alarms.

Meanwhile Kathy and Sashka are working double hours together cleaning out every cupboard, piece of crockery and glass.  I hear them hooting with mirth while I'm trying to Get On.  They call me Mad Mary or Lady Muck behind my back,  and think it's really funny that I'm still saving the tin of fois gras that my Mum brought back from France for a special occasion, even though its sell-by date was April 3rd 1997.

I am increasingly unsure that I could be going ahead with this, without my amazing little team.  They just pack me off, think it all through, arrange their own agenda, and get on with it.

I'm going to stay with my Mum in Dorset for the first two nights, then hopefully blag a night with a friend, and then I've booked a night in a B&B down the road for £32.50.  That will be interesting. Hopefully they won't see me as competition as I'm charging a minimum of £40 per head, based on two sharing, for a minimum of two nights.  In truth, I'm anticipating letting out my best en-suite for £120 a night for a minimum of two nights, otherwise I'm not sure I can really be arsed with this B&B bollocks. Early mornings, being nice first thing,  frying eggs ........ hopefully I will come up with a solution to all these issues if I ever get a customer. No enquiries since the first one...