Fashion Tips for the Maturer Man

It has come to my attention that some of you chaps out there, back on the dating game after a decade or two, just don't get it that you are missing out on potential love-matches because you have forgotten how to dress. Or don't realise that you smell. Or you're covered in hair in all the wrong places. Et cetera.  

Maybe you haven't had a partner for so long, or they have loved you so little, that you haven't been sufficiently bullied recently to stay off that slippery slope leading down towards Sad Old Gitness.  Perhaps you think that love conquers all - whatever you look, smell or feel like. Wrong. Us girls do mind. A lot.

It's worth remembering that like you, we're also learning to get our eye in, to fancy middle-aged men complete with crepey necks, baldness, grey hair, paunches, bad backs - etc.  The last time we were on the market all the boys were in their twenties and thirties!

Probably also like you, us middle-aged women tend to be under the impression that we still look the same as we did way back when. It's only the lack of wolf-whistles from building sites, and our mirrors, that remind us that we look all of our fifty-odd years. We mustn't expect too much either.

Anyway - I think it's worth bothering with the things that are easy,  which make you look normal - not vain, but not neglected  - making the most of what you have left, and unconsciously showing some respect for your potential partner, so that you  stay in with a chance.

To follow is a little guide  which I've put together using all the comments I have received recently from round about, and which moves down your whole body from top to toe.  Call it purely personal, but it might help a bit, now that we have to acknowledge that we have all, bugger it, moved into middle age.  

HAIR (or lack of it) ON YOUR HEAD
Long hair dark - good; long hair grey - bad.
If you're nearly bald, accept the fact and have what's left cut relatively short too. Bald and straggly? Ugh.
Comb-overs - after all that's been said, how can anyone still think these could possibly be a good idea? As bad and as obvious as limp handshakes.
A proper good haircut is now essential, no more barbers' cheap short back and sides. You can't 'just leave it' anymore either.

FACE
Eyebrows, nosehair, earhair needs to be regularly trimmed so that we can't see it, or you will look like an old tramp, or Dennis Healey. Don't be embarrassed to get yourself a pair of small scissors to do this with, and keep them near you!
Contacts rather than glasses if your old eyes haven't got too dry for them.
Light frames rather than big heavy frames, unless your face is so ugly it needs covering up
Absolute no to light-reactive lenses - all you will be missing if you try these are a white stick and a Labrador in a harness
Brown/black stubble - nice.  Silver stubble - yuck.
Just because you can still grow hair on you chin, if not on the top of your head, doesn't mean that you should.

BODY
Don't mix looks - you might be country cazsh, town cazsh, nautical, beachy, sporty, dinner party; but not all at once, so don't go mixing fleeces with lambswool sweaters with floppy linen trousers and boots. Streamline your look.
Tuck in all shirts - the 'vertical hang' from even the tiniest paunch is revolting, and, presumably, also draughty. Beware of unelasticated fleeces and jumpers that might further draw attention to this problem.
Don't put thick shirts under thin jumpers
Creased clothes make you look like an old tramp rather than a young hippy
Woolly jumpers make you look fat
No anoraks unless they're Musto

LOWER HALF
Tailored and fitted is much better on saggy old bumpy bodies than floppy or combats - these are designed for young surfers with tight torsos.
Hurray! None of us is old enough for elasticated waistbands yet!
Trousers need to be long enough - too short and you look like an idiot
Avoid open toed shoes, now that your toenails are going thick and yellow. Women's do too, but we cover them with nail varnish so it doesn't show so much.  Flip-flops with the bit that goes between your toes might just be OK; sandals are an especial no-no and worn with socks, even if they cover your toe nails, are absolutely verboten.
You are too old, or not old enough, for trainers.  They are for yoof, or for lame old grannies.  Or Americans. They should be reserved for the gym. And must never be bright white.
Thick soles are for female fashion victims and male chavs.
Long, thin willies, I mean wellies (blast my spell-check), are utterly delightful. Short, wide ones are horrid.
Avoid light-coloured shoes, and never choose white ones - these are the preserve of Essex girls and pimps.
Skinny swimming trunks can only be worn by Daniel Craig. Oh, and Tom Daley.

SMELL
I have received several reports of men who live singly smelling 'musty'. Really. No one can kiss someone new who actually smells old. Wash your rarely worn clothes and air your cloakroom and coats.
Make sure your home doesn't smell of old cat.
BO is horrid on an old bloke. Seek out soap, shampoo, deodorant and pouffe-juice.
Keep up that old habit of cleaning your teeth twice a day.

Charity shops are a good source of cheap nice clothes if TKMaxx, Primark and M&S are beyond you.  I have just come back from Newton Abbot with two lambswool jumpers and a Saville Row morning suit, all for £25.  I will sell the morning suit on ebay for a profit if nobody wants it.

Having checked the internet for a similar list of do's and don'ts for the older man, I have come across a ghastly geriatric white-haired American  moron with a beard, wearing a stupid jacket and tie, on www.whow.com, who says the exact opposite of what I have come up with, so I may, possibly, on this one occasion, Be Wrong!!!!  Serve me right for being so bossy.