Coming Back as a Dog

"I'm Coming Back as a Man" may be on Radio 2's current playlists, but upon further reflection, I think I'd like most of all to come back as a dog.

This thought first crossed my mind when I heard that I had been accused of treating X like a dog.  "Lucky him," I said to myself.  Every need catered for, unconditional love.

Then, when I first met Mr Dumper, and an ancient, crippled black labrador hobbled out of the back of his Subaru Legacy, to tender encouragement and soppy tones of endearment, I thought, "That's how I want him to speak to me too."  Alas, it was never to be.

So, on to my next crazy adventure…

"That's the best possible reason for taking part in Four in a Bed," wrote charming Jane - one of the reality show's producers.  I received this potentially life-changing email 30 minutes before I was due to host a fancy dress party for 20 x 12 year old girls, after preparing B&B breakfast for four, and taking Beloved Daughter to a Pony Club Rally.  An Easter Egg Hunt, Fashion Show, Quiz, Jacuzzi, Dancing, Supper and Sleepover in Revered Son's joss-stick/tobacco reeking, teenage den of horrors, complete with semi-naked calendar of Kelly Brooks, lava lamp and flashing fairy lights, all still to be prepared.

I had written to Four in a Bed wondering whether it would be too late to change my mind, and whether they still had availability for Wydemeet to be featured on it, as I had a new objective in mind.  I had been in touch with a previous contestant who I liked the look of, emailed him asking him whether he might be gay, and we had subsequently had a nice chat and discovered we were both on internet dating sites.  I looked him up after our phone conversation and found that he was 48, looking for partners aged 26 - 46.  Not me then.  I'm 54.  But lying in the bath afterwards I came up with my cunning plan.  Times Encounters appears to be replete with fat, old, bald, dull men, whose lifestyles I have almost nothing in common with and who live 100s of miles away.  I'm fed up with it.  

What about giving up on that, and putting myself on Four in a Bed instead, and see what happens?

So I jumped out of the bath, sent off my email explaining my reasons for changing my mind, and hey presto!  They like it!

So maybe I'm going to be famous again!  The last time I was on telly was 25 years ago, on a show hosted by the emerging Carol Vorderman, when she was testing my ability as a graphologist, but that is another story.